That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
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Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
My purse is deeper than some people.
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
This is true.
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?