I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
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Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…