Needless to say…*
*mic drop
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Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.