Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
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”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!