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Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.