The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
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20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
I enjoy a good short stor
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
never deleting this app.
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom