My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
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[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
Weirdos gonna weird.
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.