Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
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The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
This can never not be funny 😭😭
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*