“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
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I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made