ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
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I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
What my back needs
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?