I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
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At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
wait.
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone