[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
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One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.