Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
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Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.