Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
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Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
favorite tropes as memes
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.