“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
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[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
damn he’s good
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.