Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
You Might Also Like
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.