And bowling should be called pinball
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Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.