future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
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I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
why am I working on Labor Day
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
Acronyms got me like WTF?
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.