her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
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I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.