Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
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I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
the three genders
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
Not today.. 😂
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.