If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
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British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.