Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
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[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
The news
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.