I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
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Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”