Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
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Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science