I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
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Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.