2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
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Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking