I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
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The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.