WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
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DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
BaD BoY!!
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started