It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
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Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.