Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
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Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
What fresh Hell is this?!?
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
I like donuts.
Twitter:
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.