Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
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Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
goldfish mafia
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”