(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
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If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.