*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
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Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
some things should go without saying
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
#dalle2
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.