Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
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A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible