studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
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Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
Pizza is an emotion right?
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one