i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
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Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.