What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
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“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat