A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
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I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.