My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
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Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
A family that plays together cheats.