My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
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Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
The “research” scene in every horror movie
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him