I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
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Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
#have a #great #PancakeDay
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?