centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
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Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
#gardening
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
Why are bridges so flammable.
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”