[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
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Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
I can’t wait!
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.