When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
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“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
When the stylist spins you back around
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.