I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
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Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
Sorry. Not sorry
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head