A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
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My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
i hope my email finds you on fire
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.