I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
You Might Also Like
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
i’m sure it’s fine
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.