[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
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On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
Duck typos.
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?