I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
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Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
I bet birds love this building.
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”