ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
You Might Also Like
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.